User blog:StirnerianWeltgeist/Excerpts From The Chronicles Of Nova

A lot of people get confused when talking about the young James, stories of him going to school and playing in the park like normal kids are often used to tone down the actual facts of his life before creating YouTube videos. Early in his life, James lived with his parents; a Circus midget and Bearded Lady, as part of a traveling circus that went from town to town spreading enjoyment to all the young children and their families. James was raised well-mannered, and honorable. He would often be seen handing fairy floss to orphans and homeless people free of charge. Then something changed.

The Circus was losing customers. Families no longer wished to take their children to see James' father be mangled by the lion, and no one was interested in his mother's beard. This upset James immensely. One day over his dinner of bread and cheese he turned to his mother and said “Dearest Mother, tomorrow I shall go to the city, to see why the people no longer wish to come to the circus.”

His mother looked grimly at him and forbid him to ever go near the city, “Wicked and terrible things live there,” she told him. That night, James packed his bag with a few mementos and supplies and after sneaking quietly past his snoring mother who was passed out at the table, he ducked out of the tent and headed off to the city.

Within 5 minutes, James had himself a steady job as a hot dog vendor, a car, and a nice flat overlooking the town. But James didn’t mind the view for it reminded him of when the circus packed up to move on. Now you may find it strange that James at the age of 5 had his drivers' license, but stranger things were afoot. While stopping to fill up gas one day he noticed the price had gone up. This displeased him greatly, and after researching what was going on, he walked from the gas station all the way to the Arabian desert to kick the Arabian Prime Minister in the nuts.

Where if not for the countless eye witnesses and television crews covering the story, many would not believe it to be true, but then a mere 5 days later James arrived back at the gas station carrying behind him a cargo container filled with crude oil that he had been given by the Arabians in hopes that he would not impregnate all their females.

By the age of 20, James' life had dropped in quality drastically. He no longer had his job as a hot dog vendor, he was an alcoholic, and had a mortgage, 3 kids, an abusive wife, and a drug addiction to horse tranquilizers.

Long gone was the James raised by the circus, now in his place was the angry young man who would push old people down stairs, punch babies and start fights with dustbins for looking at him wrong. This dramatic decline also included many stints in rehab with Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie, and twice with Charlie Sheen. It is also claimed that he was the one that gave Britney Spears her crew cut.

These were some of James' darkest times, but soon after one of his failed attempts to start his own space station, James came to what he called his awakening.

Waking up one day on the side of the road covered in what looked like half eaten pineapples, broken beer bottles and 16 plucked chickens James realized it was time to get his life back in order. What followed was the montage of all montages, and in a matter of a few short scenes, James had cured cancer, brought peace to the Middle East and now made and uploaded videos on the internet. Life, it seemed, had given James another chance.